this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
