My room smells like vodka and shame
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
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