Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
