could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
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