I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
