The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
