There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
