For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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