Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
