My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
