I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
