There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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