I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
