Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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