i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
