every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Dick very happy bro
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize