I think my fart just growled at me.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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