Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
