When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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