before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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