sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
