I skipped work to stalk him.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
