I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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