Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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