"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
