Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
