I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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