I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
