Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
time to smoke my breakfast
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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