Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize