my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
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