You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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