I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
so explain again why im purple
no
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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