i was born a porn star she said
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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