Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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