i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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