Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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