Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
