Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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