I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
