Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
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