dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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