dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
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