Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize