Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
