A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
