i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
