if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
