You work out of a Hotel?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I will pee on everything he values.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
