I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
