Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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