using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
So here I am, sexting at work.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
