You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize