can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
