You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
