i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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